i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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