the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
