I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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