I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
