my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
