Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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