I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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