no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
