I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
