Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
