the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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