Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
