Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
