The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
