I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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