I hate all girls vehemently.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
