I wish I could teleport
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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