there's paper in my vomit.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
