And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
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i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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