I cannot find my penis.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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