happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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