did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
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We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
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i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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