I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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