everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
