The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
