I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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