i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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