I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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