hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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