Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize