Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
