i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
