Please, let me fuck your mom
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
