My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
