had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
