The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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