SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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