and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
