I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize