I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
