For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
