I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
