I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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