I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize