I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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