Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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