I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
