I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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