I cut my penus on the lid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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