Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.