I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
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My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"