I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?