nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme