the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.