I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
