talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
