I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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