Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
